Its wasnt long till I found a reason to live, a reason to stay on, a reason be apart from the man I love. I found his child, our child, right here in my womb where I feel his heart beat and feel his every movement. I would talk to him, tell him stories about his dad and me, about how we met and how we went on to be in love. Eventhough I ended up in tears every single night while telling Little Samuel our stories, I can feel him comforting me with his heart beat, its like him saying " Momma, please be strong!"

Days like that went on till baby Samuel was born, he looks like his father so much even at this tender age. I couldnt held my tears back when I saw baby Samuel looking at me with those shiny little eyes of his. It touches my hearts as if it was his father who was smiling back at me from heaven.

On his very first day at school, Samuel stood strong and did not cry like other kids because he knows that he is stronger not only at heart but also at mind. Samuel did not dissapoint me at his studies and he worked hard for it eventhough he is a slow learner. Samuel learnt it all from his dad.

Now, Samuel is married with two kids to accompany me at home where I will tell the story of how me and their grandfather met. I am glad that I did not end my life or else I wouldnt have all these wonderful children around me. I still look up to the sky and wonder if he is still looking over us with his cheerful smile.

They met each other on the busy road of Manhattan
They fell in love the very moment their eyes met
They kissed and they loved
Its not the beginning...
It might be the end...

Its never easy to find someone you love but its always harder to keep the one, that very one. He is Tom Koshak, we met each other while I am on the way to visit my sister, Annie on the 23rd of November year 1999. He has this sweet charming smile on his face that catches my eyes when our eyes met. I never thought that a man can be so attractive and so I guess, I am in love. To my surprise, he asked me out for coffee on the next day after he asked for my number.

I found out that we have so much in common and we just couldnt stop talking our hearts out. Its was like we are friends since childhood, and the way he talks, moves and laughs caught my heart and made me fell deeper into this ocean of love.

We went on dating for like two years and decided to get married on the 15 of September year 2003 which is my birthday, I guess he wanted to help him remember our anniversary easier. But the happiness did not last long, Tom was involved in an accident while he was on duty at New York. It shattered my heart and I cried day and night before his parents and I went to claim his body at the morgue of Albany Memorial Hospital. I never knew this would happen to me and I dont like this feeling, I shook his cold hard body trying to wake him up. I shouted at him but he laid there emotionless. Alison had to bring me out while TOm senior takes care of everything.

He was buried on the 15th September, our supposed wedding day but it became his funeral instead. I visits him everyday with a sun flower in my hand, it reminds me of our sweet memories whenever I looked at his tombstone. The times we shared, the dinners we had and even the coffees we loved. Everything is perfect but not the accident, if only I could turn back time and bring him back to me.

After flipping through his diary and suddenly I saw this page where he said that he was going to New York not for official duty, but to get the ring I have always wanted as our wedding surprise for me. Tom have always been sweet to me, but it tasted like dark chocolate now with this ring, its so sweet but yet its bitter. I couldnt stop crying, part of our memories fled through my mind like a slide show. I wondered if I should just end my life and love him at a different place.

To be continued.......

There's this saying from the elders in my village that goes like this "A man should only shed his tears for the one he love, A man should only bleed for the land he grew up with". One of the Elders, Zonga Domi, he lived through the toughest time of the village where we fought with the other village, Poponga for the cattles, food, and women. He was our best warrior who fought for our dignity and pride. But he shed his tears night after night not for the lands he failed to protect but for the women he failed to love. And her name is, Shamela.

47 years ago......

Zonga was known to be one of the best warriors of Zirmog Village at the age of 20, he fought hundreds of men to get what he achieved but not the one he admired. Her name is Shamela, daughter of the village headman and she is known all over the village for her beauty and kindness. Zonga fell in love with her the moment he met her, although there were sparks of romance and even the village headman agreed to their love but it did not last long when their rival village Poponga raged a war for the herds of cattles Zirmog owns.

As a warrior of Zirmog, Zonga stood out to protect the land and dignity of the people of Zirmog, Zonga was wounded again and again, but he stood up every time to protect the land he grew up on and for the women he love. On a few occasions where his life was at stake, Shamela appeared in his mind and it was Shamela who kept him fighting and motivates him to stay alive.

Zonga's hardwork paid off and Zirmog was safe from the invasion but Zonga was left heart broken, Shamela was killed on the night before by people of Poponga as a revenge for the loss in the war. She was killed when the Popongas burned their hut into ashes and she left nothing for Zonga.

Zonga was devastated by her death, even the victory couldn't lift his spirit. He sings the song they both loved which is Zirmog's folk song to get her spirit back to him day after day. He shed his tears night after night while humming the favorite song. Nobody know their love was that strong, not even Shamela's parents.

Zonga never get married to show his love for Shamela, he promised to fight for the land they grew up and fell in love with his life in every war and he succeeded not only in defending their land but also their love.

Today, I looked at Zonga in his eyes, I saw alots of stories and lots of tears. On the night before he left for Shamela, he smiled as if its the best thing on Earth that he is getting. He told me that he could see Shamela waving and smiling at him. He held my hands tight and tell me, "Jorja, I lived my life as a warrior to defend my land and the one I love, eventhough I was left alone after her death but I live to defend my home, it was her who keeps me alive because we both know, Zirmog is a land where we fell in love and its where we want to end our lives. Jorja, fight not for yourself but for the one you care."

He left after saying it to me which left me wondering for days... Love keeps us alive! Not only for the one we love but also for the land we love.

"Donny Fernandes! Where have you been all day?!" These are the words from my beloved mother everyday after I got back from my trekking trip at the secondary forest near our home when I was 15. Mom wasnt very supportive with me stalking animals and collecting leaves from the secondary forest, The Summomo.

At the age of 35, I came back to my home where mom and dad used to tell me of what to do and what not to do. The rocking chair where dad reads his daily feeds and mom will be screaming at him asking him to clear the table for dinner. I will be there looking at both of them with a smile on my face wondering whether me and my wife will be like this as well. Those days were sweet but not anymore when the rocking chair is always vacant and I missed them dearly.

I sat on the dust covered sofa and thought of what dad used to tell me, "Donny, papa wasnt very sure what mama did to make papa marry her but for sure that papa did not regret marrying mama. So, when you are big and strong like your papa, marry someone you love and will not regret." And whenever he says that, he will look at mom and smile even when she's not noticing.
I cried, my tears fell off my cheeks because dad didn't live long enough to see me wed, I still remember the smile on his face when he was on the bed with tubes all over him. I held his hand tight as he hums my favorite song when I was still a kid. I can see from his eyes that he wants his Donny to be strong just like him but at that time, I just couldnt hold my tears back as I know this could be his very last moments. God was being mean, he took dad away after dad finishes the song.

Dad taught me how a man should live and how a man should treat the ones he love. I looked out at the window and smiled at my seven year old daughter, Michelle and my wife, Noireen and ofcourse with mom in the middle.

Papa, your Donny found the one he will never regret loving. I miss you papa.

I would call you up every Saturday night
And we both stay up till the morning light
and we sang, "Here we go again"
and the time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
Singing "Here we go again"

Waking up to the tune of James Blunt's 1973 reminds me of the past, I looked out to the window and I saw nothing but tears of my eyes. I then stood infront of the mirror and all I can see is a paled looking Donavan Demitre. Yes, I am Donavan, who lacks the will to live after my wife, Emily passed away in an accident who took her away from me.

In the suit that Emily bought for me at Robinson's, I walked alone on the pathway where we used to walked together with her arms around mine and whispered "its cold" and that's when I will hold her tight and never let her go. David, my best friend since Elementary schools told me not to live in the past but enjoy and treasure what God has for me, but how could I? Emily's been there for me when I am fragile, when I am strong, when I need someone to share my joy, and when I need someone to mend my broken heart. David would just walk away and sigh whenever I speak of Emily.

Perhaps I need to move on, perhaps...

A bite of the chicken sandwich from The Olburn reminds me of the smile on Emily's face when she's preparing our breakfast. Again, I felt so fragile and useless without Emily in my life, I knew that Emily wouldn't want this to happen but how am I to live without her? how am I going to survive without her encouragement? How am I going to enjoy the happiness to the fullest without her sharing it with me?

I tell myself, I need to move on..

I realised that I can still live without Emily but memories we shared still lives in my heart. I know I can be stronger when she looks at me from Heaven. David rang me up for a drink at Jim's, he told me that I am different now, am I? We drank and we talked about how we grew up and the times when we used to be naive and innocent, we lived everyday as if its our last. I guess I can do it now too, I want to live not to make myself feel better but to see her smile everytime I close my eyes.

I guess, I moved on..

Today, its raining and I stood infront of the grave with her favorite flower, telling her how I lived through the years without her and how much I missed her smiles and the scent of her hair. I thought I saw her when I looked up into the sky when the sun came out after the rain, she was smilling at me just like how she smiled at me on our first date! Again, I cried but with a smile on my face and I promised her that I will live my life the way it should be and tell her the story when I see her in Heaven.

I cried, I smiled and I lived...